You may think that in order to start you have to (a) know what to do and (b) have confidence you’ll do it. This is not true.
Inner Movie Axiom: “You don’t have to know what you’re doing to do it.”
One of the reasons we prepare for something beforehand is so we can feel confident about jumping feet first into the abyss. But this doesn’t work, because confidence is a feeling we acquire after trying a task and succeeding at it. It is not a quality we can have before we try the task.
Just because you lack confidence doesn’t mean you lack competence. If you don’t know what you’re doing – do it. It’s the best way to find out how to do it.
This is not a test
Inner Movie Axim: There are no tests. You are not here to be tested unless you choose to test yourself.
Okay, you want to do this test, but notice where you can give yourself permission to not make it so hard.
You might feel that you have to write a script to “prove” yourself. Proving yourself is a job you give yourself for however long and arduous a time you determine, at the end of which you can stop and declare yourself as having passed the test that nobody asked you to take. [stain glass window]
Inner Movie Axiom: You don’t prove nothing ‘till you have nothing to prove.
A through Z = B
Here’s what we do. We build mountains and then we climb them. We could just as well have walked across the street. See where you can give yourself a shorter journey.
If it’s impossible, don’t do it
If you feel as if you can’t go on – don’t.
Are you having the worst possible time and nothing is working?
No one asked for this script of yours, and chances are no one’s going to notice if you don’t finish it. You decided to do this. You could have just as arbitrarily decided to be a jackhammer operator. Is it important for you to “be somebody”? Is that why you want to do this? Look at how you’re feeling – like somebody? No, you’re feeling like nobody. Ask yourself some hard questions: Did you choose this task to fail at it? If you have, guess what – you succeeded. You achieved your goal. Now lighten up and let people like you as is – you’re somebody right now.
Inner Movie Axiom: Definition of a winner – If the goal doesn’t work, change it to win.
Permission to stop
This is just a movie. It is not you. You will live whether or not you finish the script. You just think you won’t. you’re holding on too tight; you have yourself invested here.
Make a decision now. Can you go on with the script? Can you find the way to move forward? If you can’t, then let it go. Letting it go is also forward movement.
If you don’t want to do something, then acknowledge that you don’t want to. Don’t pretend to try. Use that energy to do what you do want to do.
©Andrea Nicola Dodgsons, 1971.